Today was a weird day. Just as Kingdom Hearts would say, 'I've been having these weird thoughts lately...like, is any of this for real? Or not?'
"'When you walk away, you don't hear me say "Please, oh baby, don't go.'"
Fucckk. My entire life I have always felt safe in expressing myself. I find it so easy usually to understand myself, analyse, process, repair and move on. I've done this through talking, writing, even singing to people (though usually in more light hearted affairs I'll admit). But right now...I honestly am finding the most basic comprehension of what's going on inside my mind beyond me. Which results in what I can only describe as a fervour of confusion.
Today I was talking to Ange about this homeless crazy guy we passed by on the street. Typical crazy - talking to himself, dressed weird, not causing anyone any harm. I took the typical white girl approach of giving him a once over and being wary, but she said she felt sympathy for him. "No-one listens to him. He honestly believes what he's talking about, but no-one will ever listen." To be fair he was trying to convince two sardonic looking Chinese guys that mobile phones were Europe's latest method of international invasion, but I felt the point with resonance. It made me think of a man who is unable to speak, physically. Surely he has thoughts and emotions within, but the outside barrier will never let these secrets pervade the silence outside. Just as the crazy man has theories about aliens (apparently the USA has a colony on Mars in co-existence with aliens guys), he is prevented from expressing them by either his mental incapacity or our judgement of it. I'm not sure which one of these things it is. Maybe both? At any rate, I'm not saying that we should all have a dnm with our local drunkard or go pick up in Hyde Park, but for me that man being incapable of expression was both intensely sad and terrifying. I don't want to be that man.
Meeting - or more accurately put, observing - that man made me flashback to year 5. I was in this really swanky typical 'gifted and talented' class which always annoyed me because the teacher took my inability to draw well to mean that I was unworthy to participate in maths, science, English, PE, walking, breathing or being-in-her-general-presence activities. Anyway. So we were reading this book...ahhh what was it called, wait, quick google...Sorry to report I was unsuccessful. I'll ask Beccy (Shiara) tomorrow, I'm pretty sure she was in that class with me. Anyway, so whatever this book was called, it was about this girl who was blind. The imagery was stunning ironically, and very lyrical. I remember being aware that I was reading a book that was quality, something I could appreciate when I was older maybe. In my mind there's one scene I remember in particular. The girl is with her friend, a boy, and he has taken her to the beach for the first time in her life. She stands on the cliff face, tears blown back from her face by the sea breeze and asks what the boy what color the sea is. The boy replies red (...jokes, just trying to break the tension of my depressive ramblings. He said blue in case you were wondering.) The girl laughs and cries and bitterly shouts at him, up over the sand on this little cliff. She wants to know what this blue is, what the hell does blue mean? What is it? Explain it, now! He says (god I wish I had the exact quote, it's absolutely beautiful) something descriptive and breathtaking and amazing and goes on and on and on, and while you never really want it to end because of it's loveliness, you sort of do, just becauase we all love to see cause and effect like the social scientists we are. The girl says "Oh.", or something very small, simple...I imagine this moment to be like a bear seeing the sun after a long period of hibernation. And then the boy says, "It's also the color of your eyes."
TEARS OF NAW.
Anyway, I thought of that book today, after seeing that man. Hence forth, he shall be named Toby. After seeing Toby I instantly thought of that book. You know when you think of something complex and emotional after a sudden coincidence, and you're filled with a rush of something? I often, happily, feel that in a positive way, like a rush of happiness or love, but this time I was flooded with a sense of insecurity and sorrow. It's the sort of thing you can never hope or bother to explain to someone else. Your friend/conversational partner/slave may notice a small change in you, like your mood suddenly changing or your mind wandering onto a different path, but since our own minds are so inundated with thoughts how can we ever aim to calm the flooding within another person's mind? I always like to try and understand others. I place a high value upon empathy - actually, probably too high a value, I know. Gotta separate yourself, stay above the emotions and damages of others, right? Anyway, I always try and understand others. I think I'm giving up on understanding myself right now though, haha....
For senior drama club I had to interview several people around the school, just asking them random hypothetical questions for lols and videoing their answers. One of the questions was 'If you could choose a superpower what would it be?', which is easy personally as I could never go past psychic power, dat shit cray with the teleporting and ghost controlling and energy skills and what not. However, one of the most popular answers was that of being able to read minds.
I'M SORRY, WHAT?
WHY WOULD YOU EVER WANT TO DO THAT, MY DEAR SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN AMEN.
They CLEARLY haven't thought about listening in on people as weird as me haha. But no seriously, WHY?
1. There are some things that aren't meant to be shared. Sometimes you just don't want to tell people some things. And that's fine! It's called privacy bro, and it's legal. Look it up. And when privacy gets encroached upon, people often get embarrassed or angry, which I believe they have a right to feel. So basically if you go snooping in other people's minds, you will find things your not meant to, and you are a bad person.
2. What if the person happens to be thinking how ugly you look? They don't want to hurt you - they not saying it out loud - but still. That could just ruin everyone's day.
3. Dude, I can barely deal with my own life, let alone everyone else's. If I read someone's mind and they were sad, I would instinctually try and improve their situation somewhat. But to be honest, this sort of meddling isn't what's always needed and in fact is sometimes more effective in creating more huge piles of fucked-ness for the poor person to navigate.
Gahhhhhh want to keep writing but I do require at least sleep to keep living, so I'll be off. Night my sugarplums xx
ps. Read Norweigan Wood. It's beyond anything I could describe to you...I CRIED ON A TRAIN AS I READ THE FINAL CHAPTER. THAT'S HOW GOOD IT WAS. CMON PEOPLE READ IT!