Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Lil bit of paedophilia

As promised earlier today. xo gossip goat.

A man, alone, in a room.

The man sits in silence.

The day I met Lilith was the one singular most important event in the history of my life. Not that I’m attributing much to said life – havnt’t walked on the moon, still can’t follow politics beyond the Sunday cartoon and I sure don’t think I’ll be winning the Nobel Prize next week. But Lilith...she may not be a little golden statue, something to ever so humbly explain to guests as she sits on my mantle basking in unwarranted love, but she remains my greatest achievement. Or maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she doesn’t want to ‘remain’ my achievement at all. That’s what she said to me you know. She turned up those periwinkle eyes – Jeepers Creepers, where’d ya get those peepers? – opened the pout of her mouth and stoutly said “Enough is enough Bernard. This is over.” She couldn’t even reference our lives as ‘us’. It was a ‘this’ to her. Lilith was never quite so taken was grammar as I was. She thought I was nit-picky, a stick in the mud. Swinging my hand as we laughed along she would say “Bear you old thing, take a chill pill already!” and flew off elsewhere. Her precious wings caught flight of winds i was too disenchanted to catch – I watched her spiral into the distance. I never dreamed that distance would be more than physical space. And yet.

The man sits in silence.

Full name is Bernard Oswald Gunge, residence 21 Oxham street London, age completely irrelevant. That was always my biography, self-constructed. Whenever Lilith proclaimed it, it became a growling sentient being that ripped and howled until it was quite obvious that the facts were as disturbing as our thoughts were hopeful.  This is how she used to say it:

Full name Bernard Oswald Gunge, residence apartment 1b 21 Oxham street London, age far too old and completely relevant.
Then she would sigh, dolefully. Sigh and sigh until it sounded as waves on the shore, ever present and ever coming. Sure as sure she would sigh her ocean call. And yet.

The man sits in silence.
She told me she loved me. At a completely inappropriate time, too. It was really a nuisance at the time, but I suppose that’s just bloody Shakespeare irony at play isn’t it. Ha ha. Funny. The more I think about it the more hilarious it is, really. She tells me she loves me – I say no no my pet you don’t love me, go off and explore the world – then she says no don’t make me leave you my dear  - and i acquiesce and then explore what’s been sequestered away in my heart and find  - no Lilith I was wrong you must stay please – no no Bear. No Bernard, you were right. You were right to tell me to leave. I was wrong. This is wrong. 16 years apart too wrong. And yet.

The man sits in silence.

And yet I still can’t believe that I told you to leave me.  And as our mindsets slipped past each other in opinion, from one polar to the opposite we swapped, that nothing caught each other? No small catch of eye or brush of hand was enough to make you stay? Yes I know I told you to leave but I was wrong my darling I was wrong, and I’m sorry and I told you that but you really don’t understand what I’m going through. No you don’t, you never understood because you never listened to me, and when i put my hands on the soft sides of your face to make you listen  - to make you see  - you resented me doing that didn’t you well you shouldn’t have because I knew best and this has only happened because you put your two cents in when you didn’t need to and now look  you swung your eyes onto the dark horizon rather than my heart where you told me they would always lie (lay there lying to me).  And there you saw the chasm between my two rickety digits and your two spritely digits. You saw it. You saw it you saw it you did you did you did. You saw it don’t deny that you did you liar you always lied to me you bloody cheating heart-killer but –

Stay my darling my love how i miss you how i scream in agony that you aren’t here. god Lilith it’s all so loud and I can’t stop screaming and it’s all hear in front of me, the truth of us, that I killed us quicker than a cyanide shot glass and we never would have worked, 16 years of unlikelyness that only hit me in reality when my heart had sunken into fantasy my love my sweet pet how i miss you how i scream for your hand on mine you know i think one of us has to go because if we are apart we might as well be dead don’t you think my dear what do you say darling just what do you think about that you damn -

The man sits in silence.

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