Hello my pretties.
You know what I really do not enjoy? Abortions.
THEY’RE SO DAMN INTRUSIVE.
But also... people who ask personal questions at innapropriate times. To be honest, I am in complete confusion as to why someone hasn’t written a handbook on the Conventions of Personal Questions. It’s such an awkward area, and we all know society loves self-help books that mainly just help the shitty author frolick in money and the knowledge they’re messing with people, so why has it not been written? Because I would seriously invest in such a book and just hand them out to people. WHICH WOULD MAYBE MAKE THEM FEEL AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS MUCH AS THEY MESSED WITH ME.
Just because we are acquainted does not mean we’re at liberty to swap licenses to each others diaries, thoughts and underwear drawers. No. When it comes to these things I swear all I can hear is the subtext falling out of people’s mouths – all the nicities just shed from the conversation and all i hear is this :
“Hi, we’ve spoken once and I liked your dp.”
“Oh yeah I know you! Hey how are you?”
“Im great J. So how was your day?”
“Im great J. So how was your day?”
“Oh you know, average...Oh actually there was one cool thing, I saw this cloud and –“
“TELL ME WHY YOU WERN’T AT SCHOOL THE OTHER DAY IS IT BECAUSE YOUR BLUDGING OR SICK I WAS THINKING BLUDGING BUT YOU LOOK PRETTY FUCKED UP SO MAYBE SICK OH MY GOD HOW SICK OMG ARE YOU DYING HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE FOOT CANCER OMG THATS SO SAD WHATS THE DRESS CODE AT YOUR FUNERAL BRB COPY PASTE CONVO MENTALLY TO ALL MY CONTACT LIST BYE.”
Now I’m not saying that actually happens, BUT I FEEL LIKE IT DOES. As soon as I see a motive in someones conversation all i hear is “ Hi, I’m a sociopath.” So, for my peace of mind, here is the world’s premier handbook on How Not To Suck at Being a Person : Personal Questions Edition.
Hello there. I’m so glad you’ve perchanced upon this pamphlet. Now that you’re here, let’s get to know each other. What’s your favourite color? Do you have a pet? HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?
Oh I’m sorry, did I shock/surprise/terrify/sexuallyl excite you?
If you’ve been given this book then you understand one of two things. Either the uncomfortable-ness of the situation above, and you seek refuge from the world in the pages of this shelter of manners. Or you are a tool who society has deemed too good to just stone to death but in need of some help. Either either, let’s begin. Here are some preliminary tips to deal with situations relating to personal questions.
Firstly, for those afflicted by the situation of others being dicks, listen up.
1. Never underestimate the power of evasion techniques. Clearly the person asking you something innapropriate isn’t that bright – other wise they would have the walnuts to make a nut and work out it’s not okay. Know this. USE THIS. Here is an advantage in your favour, RUN WITH IT. Evasion is the first step you must take in answering personal questions, the preventitive step if you will. Some personal favourites of mine can be demonstrated with the example question of ‘Why do you look so depressed?’
Example responses include:
“Wait one sec, I’m fantasing about your dad right now......mmm.......okay sorry what?”
“WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. ARE YOU ANONYMOUS? I GOT THAT QUESTION ON MY TUMBLR LAST NIGHT! IT’S YOU! OMG ANONYMOUS I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR REBLOGGING ME AHHHH – etc”
“......(silence as you pretend to fall asleep while they talk to you. I’ve actually done this. Success rate 100% if you commit)
2. If the question has been asked, then an answer is expected. However, as you all know, I enjoy spicing up said life more than the average person. Thus Step Two involves subverting the expectation of your Douche-Assailant with a completely irrelevant response. Humor is encouraged.
Example responses include:
“I like cats. (Repeat till they walk away)”
“This reminds me of this one time way back in 1932. Back then things were simpler. But times were tougher. This one morning as I was plowing the fields I was chatting to the farm folk I saw a sheep that reminded me of me grand-daddy Albert. Albert was a top bloke, born in 1865....etc”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I see dead people.”
3. If your Douche-Assailiant is either so dumb they hav’nt got the hint by now or so persistant they were willing to listen to all the above, then the fatefull Step Three remains to be your only remaining option. Use with caution.
Example reactions include:
- Lying down on the floor face down and singing Soft Kitty
- Trying to stab them with a plastic spoon
- Quickly montage all the saddest parts of every sad movie you’ve watched and tell an epic tale of rape, murder and loss for as long as possible, optimumly at least ten minutes. As your story progresses the events in your sad make believe life must slowly become worse and worse. Your emotional state should also deteriorate. When you are almost done begin to wail and shake your fist at the sky. When the Douche-Assailant says some inadequate apology or comiseration, say “And that’s only last year! I havn’t even told you about that time I committed suicide.”
Good luck my doves. Now for the rest of you. YE DOUCHE-ASSAILANTS. LISTEN UP BIZNITCHES. THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
1. Firstly, stop being a tool. This always helps. Prime examples of being a tool include
- toolish behaviours like laughing at people’s misfortunes (hilarious stacks by year sevens excluded), having no sense of humanity, and spending too much time in sheds.
2. Secondly, start being compassionate. Everyone has loss or sadness in their lives in one form or another – or maybe not yet but without a doubt this screwed up world will ensure that one day they cry. That includes you. Therefore start caring about other people before everyone stops caring about you.
3. Thirdly, stop asking questions. It’s one thing to ask ‘How was your day?” but it’s another to ask “Why were you crying earlier?”. Depending on your relationship this meter of appropriateness will alter. Be aware of where you stand on this scale (Stranger, Adquaintance, Friend, Good Friend) and moderate your behaviour to suit. Obviously if you are best friends DO ask – if you don’t then your still a tool, just in a different way – but if your not a part of their lives then don’t have the conciet to presume yourself in it.
So, Douche-Assailants and I-Just-Got-Assailed-By-Douches alike, good luck. And remember, please don’t be a tool. J
ANYWAAYYYYY I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT WILL BE HITTING BOOKSHELVES SOON AND ON THE BESTSELLERS LIST. Now that that’s done I’m going to go. J
OH by the whey I’m sorry I hath not written in a while, I’m trying not to write when I’m sad because my emo poetry is shite beyond belief and I wouldn’t want to thrust motifs of gothicsm upon you all for everyone's wellbeing haha