YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNFORTUNATE?
Me.
YOU KNOW WHAT ESPECIALLY ABOUT ME?
How vague I am.
Example : Yesterday was Papa Bear's one-day-early birthday celebration. Went out for merry breakfast, did the whole "YAY YOU ARE AGEING WOO PLEASE DON'T DIE TILL I GET A JOB" little thing, la de da ecetera.
AND YET.
This morning, woke up with absolutely no recollection of yesterday and promptly forgot that TODAY was the ACTUAL birthday. I missed alllll the hints from my family, observed the half eaten cake in the fridge with mild distaste - "Why do we have a half eaten cake?" - and buggered off to school without one birthday remark like the ungrateful child I am.
MY MIND IS LIKE THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT.
NOTHING SURVIVES IN HERE.
Anyway, here's something I wrote for a friend in science last year. It has no purpose except to be completely useless and delightful. okaybye
HOW WOULD A FIRE ESCAPE BE USED TO ESCAPE A FIRE?
In the event of a fire, it is handy to try and avoid being
engulfed in the flames as it can often result in severe damgage to bodily parts
or perhaps even death! Thus it is advisable to attempt and ecscape such a fate,
unless you are a fan of the whole body bandage look. Personally I can’t rock
that, so I always try and ecscape. If you have similar views on this concept,
then it is important that you learn how to ecscape fires. The most important
step is move away from the flames. If you stand still, then the fire will begin
to burn your body. This could be mildly irritating, or pehaps painful! Thus I
reccomend moving. Unfortunately it is not just this simple. The steps become
more difficult here. When moving, try and move AWAY from the fire, rather than
towards it. Moving TOWARDS the fire will actually make the situation worse for
you, and it would have been better if you hadn’t moved at all. So, the healthy
alternative is to therefore move in the opposite direction of the fire. If you
are trying this at home, make sure you master this correctly in environments
with many exits, just in case you are a slow learner. However, things become
even more complicated from here on it. You must try and move away from the
fire, yes, but keep in mind that all this effort will go to waste if you do not
attempt at reach an exit, or at least a place like a refirdirater in which you
could try and counter-attack the hot flames with some cold ice. However, I
generally do reccomend trying to leave the building alltogether. A buddy of
mine once tried to hide from a fire in a blender, not realising that blenders
are not that cold, and unfortunatley was switched on at the time. We now call
him Stumpy. Anyway, point is, go for the exit. This exit can be in the form of
a door, an air vent, or an underground tunnel if you have Soviet Spies in your
basement or whatever. Now, in case you were gettting all proud of yourself or
something, just take a chill pill. Because it’s not good enough just to reach
the exit. You must then USE the exit. If you’re reading this guide then I’ve
already assumed you’re not that bright, so I may as well just explain how to
exit from an exit while you’re already here reading. Right, so, using a door is
generally your best chance at exiting an exit without utilising a screwdriver,
a tool which might just stretch your capabilities a bit too far. So, approach
your door. Reach out with one of your arms, prefferably an arm with a hand and
fingers attatched to it. If neither of your arms are so gifted, then talk to my
friend Stumpy and he will teach you his ways. So, reach out with your arm and
take a hold of the doorknob. Don’t panick if the doorknob is moisture-ful, it
could just be your sweaty hands. No wonder you can’t get a boyfriend. Alright,
so now turn the doorknob, and push. It might take a while for your muscles to
remember how to work, and since yours don’t look that developed I really hope
they have an effect, but if not then just resort to mind power. Thus with this
method your door should open and you will have sucsessfully ecscaped your fire!
Hurrah! Go have yourself a nice cool drink. One of those ones with a little
umbrella in it. See my other guides on how to raise your pet goldfish with
love, affection and dog food. XOXO GUIDE GIRL
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