Hello my pretties.
You know what I really do not enjoy? Abortions.
THEY’RE SO DAMN INTRUSIVE.
But also... people who ask personal questions at
innapropriate times. To be honest, I am in complete confusion as to why someone
hasn’t written a handbook on the Conventions of Personal Questions. It’s such
an awkward area, and we all know society loves self-help books that mainly just
help the shitty author frolick in money and the knowledge they’re messing with
people, so why has it not been written? Because I would seriously invest in
such a book and just hand them out to people. WHICH WOULD MAYBE MAKE THEM FEEL
AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS MUCH AS THEY MESSED WITH ME.
Just because we are acquainted does not mean we’re at
liberty to swap licenses to each others diaries, thoughts and underwear
drawers. No. When it comes to these things I swear all I can hear is the
subtext falling out of people’s mouths – all the nicities just shed from the
conversation and all i hear is this :
“Hi, we’ve spoken once and I liked your dp.”
“Oh yeah I know you! Hey how are you?”
“Im great J.
So how was your day?”
“Oh you know, average...Oh actually there was one cool
thing, I saw this cloud and –“
“TELL ME WHY YOU WERN’T AT SCHOOL THE OTHER DAY IS IT BECAUSE YOUR BLUDGING OR SICK I WAS THINKING BLUDGING
BUT YOU LOOK PRETTY FUCKED UP SO MAYBE SICK OH MY GOD HOW SICK OMG ARE YOU
DYING HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE FOOT CANCER OMG THATS SO SAD WHATS THE DRESS CODE AT
YOUR FUNERAL BRB COPY PASTE CONVO MENTALLY TO ALL MY CONTACT LIST BYE.”
Now I’m not saying that actually happens, BUT I FEEL LIKE IT
DOES. As soon as I see a motive in someones conversation all i hear is “ Hi, I’m
a sociopath.” So, for my peace of mind, here is the world’s premier handbook on
How Not To Suck at Being a Person : Personal Questions Edition.
Hello there. I’m so glad you’ve perchanced upon this
pamphlet. Now that you’re here, let’s get to know each other. What’s your
favourite color? Do you have a pet? HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?
Oh I’m sorry, did I shock/surprise/terrify/sexuallyl excite
you?
If you’ve been given this book then you understand one of
two things. Either the uncomfortable-ness of the situation above, and you seek
refuge from the world in the pages of this shelter of manners. Or you are a
tool who society has deemed too good to
just stone to death but in need of some help. Either either, let’s begin. Here
are some preliminary tips to deal with situations relating to personal
questions.
Firstly, for those afflicted by the situation of others
being dicks, listen up.
1. Never underestimate the power of evasion techniques. Clearly
the person asking you something innapropriate isn’t that bright – other wise
they would have the walnuts to make a nut and work out it’s not okay. Know
this. USE THIS. Here is an advantage in your favour, RUN WITH IT. Evasion is
the first step you must take in answering personal questions, the preventitive
step if you will. Some personal favourites of mine can be demonstrated with the
example question of ‘Why do you look so depressed?’
Example responses include:
“Wait one sec, I’m fantasing about your dad right
now......mmm.......okay sorry what?”
“WOAH. WOAH. WOAH. ARE YOU ANONYMOUS? I GOT THAT QUESTION ON
MY TUMBLR LAST NIGHT! IT’S YOU! OMG ANONYMOUS I LOVE YOU THANK YOU FOR
REBLOGGING ME AHHHH – etc”
“......(silence as you pretend to fall asleep while they
talk to you. I’ve actually done this. Success rate 100% if you commit)
2. If the question has been asked, then an answer is
expected. However, as you all know, I enjoy spicing up said life more than the
average person. Thus Step Two involves subverting the expectation of your
Douche-Assailant with a completely irrelevant response. Humor is encouraged.
Example responses include:
“I like cats. (Repeat till they walk away)”
“This reminds me of this one time way back in 1932. Back
then things were simpler. But times were tougher. This one morning as I was
plowing the fields I was chatting to the farm folk I saw a sheep that reminded
me of me grand-daddy Albert. Albert was a top bloke, born in 1865....etc”
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I see
dead people.”
3. If your Douche-Assailiant is either so dumb they hav’nt
got the hint by now or so persistant they were willing to listen to all the
above, then the fatefull Step Three remains to be your only remaining option.
Use with caution.
Example reactions include:
-
Lying down on the floor face down and singing
Soft Kitty
-
Trying to stab them with a plastic spoon
-
Quickly montage all the saddest parts of every
sad movie you’ve watched and tell an epic tale of rape, murder and loss for as
long as possible, optimumly at least ten minutes. As your story progresses the
events in your sad make believe life must slowly become worse and worse. Your
emotional state should also deteriorate. When you are almost done begin to wail
and shake your fist at the sky. When the Douche-Assailant says some inadequate
apology or comiseration, say “And that’s only last year! I havn’t even told you
about that time I committed suicide.”
Good luck my doves. Now for the rest of you. YE
DOUCHE-ASSAILANTS. LISTEN UP BIZNITCHES. THIS IS HOW IT WORKS.
1. Firstly, stop being a tool. This always helps. Prime examples of
being a tool include
- toolish behaviours
like laughing at people’s misfortunes (hilarious stacks by year sevens
excluded), having no sense of humanity, and spending too much time in sheds.
2. Secondly, start
being compassionate. Everyone has loss or sadness in their lives in one form or
another – or maybe not yet but without a doubt this screwed up world will
ensure that one day they cry. That includes you. Therefore start caring about other
people before everyone stops caring about you.
3. Thirdly, stop asking questions. It’s one thing to ask ‘How
was your day?” but it’s another to ask “Why were you crying earlier?”.
Depending on your relationship this meter of appropriateness will alter. Be
aware of where you stand on this scale (Stranger, Adquaintance, Friend, Good
Friend) and moderate your behaviour to suit. Obviously if you are best friends
DO ask – if you don’t then your still a tool, just in a different way – but if
your not a part of their lives then don’t have the conciet to presume yourself
in it.
So, Douche-Assailants and I-Just-Got-Assailed-By-Douches
alike, good luck. And remember, please don’t be a tool. J
ANYWAAYYYYY I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT WILL BE HITTING
BOOKSHELVES SOON AND ON THE BESTSELLERS LIST. Now that that’s done I’m going to
go. J
OH by the whey I’m sorry I hath not written in a while, I’m
trying not to write when I’m sad because my emo poetry is shite beyond belief
and I wouldn’t want to thrust motifs of gothicsm upon you all for everyone's wellbeing haha
okaybyexx